By In 2016, the number of people estimated to be suffering from mental health issues like depression and anxiety amounted to roughly 1.1 billion. Since then, numbers have likely continued to rise. Moreover, studies have also shown women especially on average are a) more likely to suffer from mental health issues, and b) less likely to talk about them. The taboo in Pakistan surrounding depression and anxiety disorders only serve to aggravate the individuals suffering even more. For the women who cannot seek out full time therapy, we’ve enlisted the help of a trained therapist. You sent us in your questions – here are the answers!
‘It seems like everyone is getting married right now except for me. My friends, my cousins – everyone is either in a serious relationship or getting engaged and I am not even close to it. It’s deeply affecting my mental health because all I am doing is attending wedding events, while feeling very lonely. How can I break out of this? I really want to be happy for my loved ones.’
Shahrukh’s Response:
Dear Anon,
Ah, the shaadi rat race. I don’t think anyone who is part of the Pakistani culture has managed to escape its predator claws. I hear you when you say that it’s something that can take a toll on one’s mental health, and I’m really sorry to hear that you’re experiencing that. One thing I can tell you is that you are not alone – the pressure of getting married is one that we all have either faced or are currently facing. Let’s look into this a little more and see if we can help you navigate through what you’re feeling right now.
First And Foremost: It’s Okay To Feel What You’re Feeling
Anon, what you’re feeling is completely natural. As a member of this society, I have seen the amount of importance that people place on the idea of marriage – it’s pretty much the basis of everything one does. You might have heard, or even said, the following sentences:
- “I need to lose weight so I can find a guy/girl/partner/husband/wife.”
- “I need to get a decent job and settle down so I can support myself and my family.”
- “I need to be careful of my reputation or I won’t get good rishtas.”
- “I need to present myself in a certain way so I can get good rishtas.”
In addition, you may have also heard marriage or the prospect of marriage being inserted into random points within conversations – whether it’s your friends getting married, or your relatives pestering you about when your turn will come, or just your parents coming in with a plethora of prospective rishtas.
The point is: the dialogue on marriage is prevalent, and it’s only natural to feel that pressure, and maybe even begin to think: am I being left behind while everyone else is moving forward? Is there something wrong with me? It seems like that, doesn’t it? Why wouldn’t you think that? The game of life looks like it’s been standardised and what naturally follows after education is settling down and having a family.
Here’s a question for you, though: what if you’re not ready? What if you haven’t found the right person for you yet? Or better yet, what if you don’t want to settle down and have a family? What if you would like to focus on working on yourself before you commit? There are so many reasons why a person may not be married, or be closed off to the idea of considering getting married, all of them extremely valid. Yet, we still take it upon ourselves to rush the process rather than trusting it.
“Trust The Process”
There are many times as a therapist, or even personally, where I have felt so stuck, or powerless and in those moments, I remember the words of someone very near and dear to me who told me to “trust the process”. They are three simple words, yet so powerful. Soon, for me, it became about surrendering over the illusion of control and not worrying about things I genuinely had no power over. It’s not easy, and I know how difficult it can be, yet if you say it enough, those words can be a source of comfort and strength.
Everyone’s Journey Is Different
I often say that no two people have the same life journey. Some people may opt to get married later, some might not get married at all, and some might just get married really young. Whatever the case may be, you are allowed to walk down a path that works for you at each given moment. The message that you’ve been told all your life is that marriage is important, and that all roads lead to marriage. Yet, what would happen if you waited? What would happen if your time to commit came a little bit later? What’s bringing about that fear?
Be kind to yourself, Anon. There are reasons for you not being in a relationship, and that is completely okay. Remember – as intense as pressure can be, it’s not a reason to get married, especially if it goes against what you want and what you think is best for you. Trust yourself, trust the process and more than anything: remind yourself through it all that there is nothing wrong with settling down later, and operating on a timeline that works for you. I am mindful of the challenges that come with standing your ground on this, yet I hope you find it within you to be kind and compassionate towards yourself during this time and making space for whatever you’re feeling, as well as allowing yourself to trust the process. I really hope this article was helpful to you. I wish you all the best on your journey. Take care and stay in your power!
The above article is written by Shahrukh Shahbaz Malik who is trained in humanistic integrative counselling at CPDD in the UK and currently has her own private practice in Karachi. The views expressed in this article are those of one expert. They do not necessarily represent the views of Mashion, nor do they represent the complete picture of the topic at hand. This article is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for medical diagnosis, treatment or therapy.
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