Ask Mr. X: “How do I bring intimacy back in our marriage?”

‘I married my boyfriend of 3 years a few years ago and everything was perfect the first year. But for the past year and a half, it feels like we don’t have the same level of intimacy as before. Either he’s too busy with work, or I’m busy with the kids — we just don’t find time to spend together in that manner (don’t get me wrong, it’s not completely gone, but it’s not the same either). Do you have any advice on how to bring back the intimacy in our marriage?’

Mr X’s Response:

As we gain more tenure in our romantic relationships, it is very common for us to fall prey to waning levels of intimacy. As per the reasons you’ve stated, it’s not due to some serious underlying reasons, but rather just everyday life becoming very hectic where spending quality time with your partner goes down the pecking order.

Before I provide a couple of tried and tested options you can consider, I want to stress the importance of open communication – communicate your feelings regarding the reduced levels of intimacy in your marriage and get him on-board. It’s super important that both of you try to rectify this concern, rather than it just being a one-sided effort.

Below are a couple of things you can try with your partner:

– Date night: sometimes the best solution is the most obvious one as well. Date nights are an excellent option to get on the path to rekindle the romance that once was. They are relatively easy to organise, a sustainable option that can be repeated on a periodic basis, and the best thing is that you can start doing this now. Dates nights are great for relationships overall as they foster communication, increase feelings of intimacy, decrease the chances of taking each other for granted, decrease stress, and build attachment.

– A getaway: an upgrade to date night for sure, but with more of a pay-off. You don’t need to plan a week-long vacation to some exotic destination on the other end of the world, but start from a weekend perhaps – maybe even a staycation. Yes it’s more effort and may cost more than date night, but the benefits are amplified.

– Remind the other why you love and appreciate them : If you don’t already do this, maybe start instilling this back in your relationship. Often times we tend to take our partner for granted as time goes by, and it can mean we don’t remind them why they are so special to us. This is of course a two-way effort – you deserve to feel the importance in your partner’s life,  the same way he deserves to feel it in yours. If this is currently lacking in your relationship, find small ways to bring it back in. Even a simple ‘Thank you for washing the dishes last night’ can go a long way.

Your efforts shouldn’t be one-dimensional. Try various things and see what works for you guys. Good luck – you guys got this.

Godspeed,

X.

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