In 2016, the number of people estimated to be suffering from mental health issues like depression and anxiety amounted to roughlyΒ 1.1 billion. Since then, numbers have likely continued to rise. Moreover, studies have also shown women especially on average are a) more likely to suffer from mental health issues, and b) less likely to talk about them. The taboo in Pakistan surrounding depression and anxiety disorders only serve to aggravate the individuals suffering even more. For the women who cannot seek out full time therapy, or simply need advice about their problems, weβve enlisted the help of a trained counsellor. You sent us in your questions β here are the answers!
“Iβm 24 and havenβt graduated yet. My friends are getting married, having kids and moving abroad, but Iβve been in my room staring at walls for the past 3 years. Where this turmoil is taking me, I don’t know. Since when did I develop this anxiety thatβs ruined my ability to memorize and retain knowledge is beyond me. All I can remember is failing my final year of graduation and appearing again. Today I got my result, which I have no memory of giving an exam for, and it says I have a last chance to pass, and honestly, this is the most bipolar moment of my life. I can’t feel sadness anymore. Iβm just numb. It’s just one paper; I am one paper away from graduating. One paper! Nineteen out twenty are clear. And it all makes me numb. To see my parents feeling disappointed in me, to see my friends avoiding me because I’m not a bright person anymore – it all makes me numb.”

Shahrukh’s Response:
Dear Anon,
What youβre feeling sounds incredibly painful and extremely heavy. Itβs not easy carrying that weight around with you and I genuinely feel for you right now.
In recent years Iβve started seeing a theme within our culture: this extremely powerful amount of pressure and urgency that we place on ourselves; a belief that may have been internalized growing up. This occurs when we receive certain messages around success, non-success and the idea that thereβs a set time for certain events and goals. What happens is that we attach our sense of self to our βachievementsβ or βsuccessesβ and, therefore neglect and dismiss ourselves from a very important relationship: the one with our non-successes.
Sometimes when things donβt turn out as planned we feel stuck, but perhaps thatβs where weβre meant to be at that moment. Itβs tough, but one thing Iβve learnt is that itβs okay. We often think of our fallbacks as βfailureβ, but why not call them βgrowing edgesβ or βopportunities for growthβ instead? Our growing edges are not who we are. In fact, they just become areas for learning and potential growth. In the face of shortcomings, what comes up is our relationship with failure, change, adversity and how we can sometimes tie that to our self-worth.

From what I can gather, it seems thereβs a great deal of pressure youβre placing on yourself. Thereβs this idea of comparisons and how those around you are moving forward. But hereβs the thing – Β people operate on different timelines! Things may not work out and certain events in our lives may happen later than we had originally planned, and thatβs okay. If that does happen, ask yourself: What does my new timeline look like? What do my new goals look like?
You mention that your friends arenβt around you because youβre not bright or that your parents are disappointed in you. Thatβs an extremely heartbreaking thought to carry, but I wonder if thatβs a judgement theyβre making or one that youβre giving yourself? Sometimes we feel so many unbearable emotions that we end up throwing them on those around us. This is known as projection. In essence, it might just be your own voice towards yourself. We all have dialogues with ourselves internally and sometimes the voice of criticism drowns out the voice of compassion and acceptance. In order to tackle that inner critic, itβs essential to practice self-compassion. This is when we treat ourselves with love, kindness and respect, unconditionally.
An easy technique is to think about someone you really care about and ask yourself what youβd say to them if they were feeling down about themselves. Take those same words and direct them to yourself. Remember that you are worthy and deserving of positive regard and loving-kindness. You matter and you are worth so much and you are not defined by the shortcomings in your life.

In terms of your anxiety linked to your exam; at times we get caught up in our fear of βfailureβ and Iβve seen this emerge quite a bit in academics. Our internal mechanisms are working to protect us from that sense of hurt thatβs brought upon us if we donβt succeed in a task. Thus, we end up delaying the task at hand, or donβt put in as much effort. Or we just find it difficult to study because weβre so overwhelmed β anything thatβll suffice as justification for not doing well. This is known as self-handicappingΒ and itβs essentially a response to fear. When you realize that youβre caught in this cycle, itβs important to know that you have control and power.
These are some techniques that I feel might be able to help you find your grounding and manage the anxiety while studying:
- Breathing: One technique I use for myself is the 8β6-8 breathing technique. Take a deep inhale through your nose for about 8 seconds. While you do that, to be aware of your breath and how itβs coming into your body and filling up your lungs. Next, hold it for about 6 seconds and then a deep exhale for about 8 seconds. Repeat this two to three times and see if it helps.

- Mindfulness: The idea of mindfulness is being present in the now and being able to connect with yourself. This can be done through the breathing exercise above and simply being aware of your breath, how it goes into your nose, making its way down your throat, through your lungs. Just being in tune and present can help.
- Pace yourself: Over studying and overpreparation have been proven to have an adverse effect on academic performance. Itβs important to pace yourself and absorb the subject matter. Take some time to process it but then move onto the next part.
- Journaling: Sometimes having your thoughts written down on paper can give you a sense of clarity or even just serve as an outlet for your expression.
- Exercise: A quick run can really help release some of that tension thatβs been building up in your body and can help you feel more relaxed.
- Art: Drawing, painting, sketching β whatever your medium β can be used to express yourself in clear or even abstract ways.

Stay in your power and remember that you are in control and that you DO have a choice. I would really encourage you to go to a therapist or a counsellor and talk about whatβs going on with you to help you find your sense of grounding for yourself. You are not alone. I wish you all the best.
Good luck!

What do you think?