“My 4 year old who is generally peaceful, was creating a ruckus and using words that she should not have even heard…”

If you have read our earlier piece on disciplining children, you know that there are different methods of teaching and instilling good habits and behaviors.

One of the most powerful and effective methods is one that you’re probably somewhat familiar with and have perhaps used (even unwittingly on adults): positive reinforcement. Reinforcement is defined by the effect that it has on behavior—it increases or strengthens the response. Usually, there is a set standard of the kinds of reinforcements, how they should be used and how strictly they should be followed. And surprisingly, this standard is generally applied to every child in a tricky situation, to allow for positive changes to occur.

Last week, I found myself in a similar tricky situation, which made me question the rulebook young moms swear by. My 4 year old who is generally peaceful, was creating a ruckus and using words that she should not have even heard. The instant I heard her scream those words for attention, I knew she didn’t know what they meant; and I knew what I had to do. First, explain how it was a ‘bad’ word, how words have meanings and how they affect feelings. Second, I needed her to tell me who she was learning this behavior from. More often than not, children take cues from adults to push boundaries. Most new changes in a child’s behavior over 3 years of age are learned from their environment.

The talk was easy. She is a smart, empathic little girl and she listens when she knows she has upset someone. But the second part was much harder. She has always been the best secret keeper, looking to keep people out of trouble. I guess that’s the outcome empathy has in children. There have been days when she has been bullied in school and hasn’t spoken up because she didn’t want her friend to get in trouble. So getting her to start talking is quite a task. She gets distracted and tries to divert discussion.

So I set off by assuring her that no one would get in trouble, and parents and children solve problems together. The questioning went on for a while and in my despair, I offered her a present in return for her cooperation to open dialogue, while assuring her that I would always be her secret keeper and no one would get into trouble. And that was it, for the first time she cracked open and spoke to me as a friend and confidant. In fact, I think she was relieved to be spoken to as a young adult.

Once this episode was over, I replayed the situation in my mind. And here is the gist of it; she did something ‘naughty’ and instead of negative reinforcement, I gave her positive reinforcement. Why?

Because, I now strongly believe that reinforcements are not standard for all children and/or all situations.

A study on the use of positive reinforcement in the classroom showed that it can be used to significantly improve students’ age-appropriate behaviors and social skills (like manners), and the effects will last even after the reward system is removed or discontinued (Diedrich, 2010); with something that works so well, so widely, how can there be only one rulebook? Reinforcement, I feel is less situational and differs from child to child.

Going back to the basics, positive reinforcement refers to the introduction of a desirable or pleasant stimulus after a behavior. The desirable stimulus reinforces the behavior, making it more likely that the behavior will reoccur. It’s a method used for a variety of purposes and capitalizes on the good behaviors that are already being displayed, rewarding the natural tendencies towards good behavior in the individual you are working to train. It includes, giving a high five, offering praise, giving a hug or a pat on the back, giving extra privileges and tangible rewards.

The alterative to this is negative reinforcement – the most commonly known and used punishment. Punishment has always been a popular teaching method – whether it is for training children, pets, or adults. Usually thought to be fair and important, does negative reinforcement really solve the problem in all children?

Perhaps in some children, but not in others – at least not in my older daughter, who is already so shy, she would probably become even more guarded.

This is not to say that reinforcement used to discipline should be fluid. Absolutely not! You should tailor it for your child. This is hard as two children, be it in the same family are not always the same, yet the rules have to be fair and standard.

As your child grows and develops a relationship with you, create your own disciplining tools and methods to highlight their strengths and reduce their weakness’. Fortunately the sooner you realize and play on their strengths and weaknesses and build an independent relationship with each child, the quicker the children will learn; and perhaps will find it less unfair that reactions of the same issue by the same parent could differ.